|Formatted Contents Note:
||In a Foreboding Tower, Glowing with Portent or Possibly Pollen -- In a Squalid Barnyard in Borix, Redolent of Feces and Angst -- In the Tower of Toby, the Dark Lord, He Who Dreams of Artisanal Crackers -- At a Time and Place Where a Goat Proves to Be Remarkably Prescient -- Near a Rose Most Scarlet and Effulgent -- In the Darkness Surrounding a Small Camp in a Verdant Pasture -- Over Something Fried in Duck Fat with a Piquant Dipping Sauce -- At the Scene of a Richly Deserved Punch in the Kisser -- In the Luminous Presence of the Elvish Morningwood -- Uncomfortably Near a Giant Uvula -- On a Beach Festooned with Sparkly Pinchy Crabs -- At the Goblin Market, Glittering with Magic and Maquillage -- Near the Bushy Cleft of Mortal Peril -- In the Dank Necropolis of Honeycomb and Dread -- Next to a Newly Created Orifice and Much Screaming -- In the Spectacular (If Tentacular) Hut of Belladonna the Healer -- Under the Lone Lamppost Where Lurks the Squeaky Marmoset of Side Quests -- Down an Alley Echoing with a Troll's Pathetic Angst -- Over a Board of Charcuterie Floats the Word Murder -- Inside the Perilous Poplar of Personal Problems -- Within the Ambulatory Dwelling of a Most Fearsome Personage -- Atop a Roof of Questionable Structural Integrity -- Athwart a Corpse and Quaking with Unaccountable Mirth -- Uncomfortably Smooshed in a Throng of Normal Goats, Forced into Bleatful Complaint -- In the Room Where the Disposal of a Persistent Suitor Is Effected -- Abroad in a Fulsome Field of Goatly Paradise -- In the Grip of a Sinister Mind -- Whereupon Destiny Is Delivered by an Overly Credulous Postman -- Uponst a Cushy Throne, Surrounded by Many Supple Leathers -- At a Party Afflicted with Unacceptable Ghost Cake.
||Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a hero, the Chosen One, was born . . . and so begins every fairy tale ever told. This is not that fairy tale. There is a Chosen One, but he is unlike any One who has ever been Chosened. And there is a faraway kingdom, but you have never been to a magical world quite like the land of Pell. There, a plucky farm boy will find more than he's bargained for on his quest to awaken the sleeping princess in her cursed tower. First there's the Dark Lord, who wishes for the boy's untimely death . . . and also very fine cheese. Then there's a bard without a song in her heart but with a very adorable and fuzzy tail, an assassin who fears not the night but is terrified of chickens, and a mighty fighter more frightened of her sword than of her chain-mail bikini. This journey will lead to sinister umlauts, a trash-talking goat, the Dread Necromancer Steve, and a strange and wondrous journey to the most peculiar "happily ever after" that ever once-upon-a-timed.