Keep Calm and Parent On INTRODUCTION Fairy Dust "It's easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." --FREDERICK DOUGLASS I'VE WORKED WITH nannies and parents around the globe, and I've noticed a growing crisis in how children are raised. Consider this example: An adult enters a room where there is one seat, occupied by a child. Does the child stand and let the adult take the seat? Or if the adult is seated and the child enters, does the adult stand? When I was growing up in Britain in the 1980s, it was unfathomable for a child to sit while an adult stood. And now? It's the opposite. Parents are so eager to make their children comfortable, or to avoid the sounds of their whining, that they sacrifice themselves. I recently overheard a mum asking a dad if he'd gone to the store to pick up bread with their son. "He didn't want to go," said the dad. He didn't want to go? My eyes just about popped out of my head. Who was the parent, and who was the child? If this dad could have only heard himself, perhaps it would have been a wake-up call that it was time to regain some control. Modern parenting is in trouble, and we must understand how we got here before we can make any sense of it. I see four primary causes for our brewing crisis: 1. We've dropped our expectations. Imagine a raised bar, like a high bar from an Olympics gymnastics competition. We expect our children to surmount this bar. When we were children ourselves, that bar reached our chest level, and to get over it took some effort and discipline, but get over it we did. Gradually, that bar has inched downward. With each passing year we expect less and less of our children. They must merely place a relaxed fingertip on a bar that barely reaches their knee, and we jump for joy. "Daren did the dishes with me tonight!" we say proudly. "What a great kid!" The slippage has been greater in certain countries (sorry, America . . . though in truth, the UK isn't far behind you), but I've yet to see a country or culture beyond reproach. I once watched while a toddler pulled his father's hair. The dad smiled and removed his son's grip, and the little boy immediately grabbed for a chunk of hair again. The situation was repeated several times. Never did Dad use a stern voice and reprimand him or stop playing with him as a consequence of the rough play. Both the dad and the mum felt their son was too young to behave differently. As another example, I frequently hear parents claim that they can't take their child to a restaurant. "Why not?" I ask. "Because he won't behave. I'm embarrassed and don't want to deal with it." To that I say "Nonsense. He will behave if you expect him to and teach him how." At the end of the day, you have to put in the work, and though it takes time, effort, and patience, it's worth it. I can take an eighteen-month-old, a three-year-old, and a five-year-old into a posh restaurant and know they will behave. How do I know? Because I won't tolerate anything less! Parents are frequently standing way too close to see their children's capabilities. There's a fairly sentimental car commercial that shows a dad instructing his daughter the ins and outs of driving on a journey she's about to take. When the camera spans to the daughter, she's no more than six--not even capable of reaching the gas pedal. In another shot, she's shown to actually be a teenager, but the point is clear: Parents are inclined to see their children through a special lens, one in which they are always smaller and less capable than they actually are. We are so accustomed to them relying on us for everything, that as that reliance goes away little by little, we are sometimes slow to adjust. On the flip side, we must also set up our children for success and not set the bar unreasonably high. You must understand your child and meet her where she is. With all of this in mind, I am here to raise the bar. If you take nothing else away from this book, let it be this: Expect more from your children, and they will rise to it. Expect less, and they will sink. 2. We've abandoned the village. Parents do not support one another like they used to; they're too busy competing about whose kids can do better. They don't talk to one another about the struggles they're having--a lost opportunity to get much-needed empathy and perhaps some advice--because they don't want to admit to others when their child misbehaves. Instead of working as a team with other parents and teachers, they're working against one another. It takes a village to raise a child, and we've lost that village. Though my mum did most of the child rearing in my family, my nana, teachers, the local shopkeeper, and my parents' friends all played a part. In the United States, in contrast, one's parenting style is up for critique by everyone. I would even go so far as to say that most parents are scared to set boundaries in public, for fear someone will judge them. My friend Abby just told me about an incident at her son's daycare where the teachers were having a difficult time getting her son to eat his yogurt properly without tossing it all about. Abby responded by saying, "Okay, what should I do? Let's fix it." The daycare teachers were shocked that she was so receptive. Most parents, Abby later learned, would reject any criticism of their child. In contrast, once when I was very young and stole a few penny-sweets from a shop, my mum marched me back and made me apologize to the shopkeeper. If that happened today, in the United States or the UK, the parent might chastise the child, but they'd likely be too embarrassed to admit their child's transgression. My mum was embarrassed, too, no doubt, but it was worth it to teach me a lesson. The bottom line is, without a healthy sense of support and community, parents are on their own trying to do a task that is so much better suited for a village. 3. We take too many shortcuts. The third problem we face is that parents are harried to such an extent that many take shortcuts wherever they are able. The availability of shortcuts is indeed a blessing in this crazy world, but only if used with care. The shortcuts I am most opposed to are video games and the TV shows. It will not be news to anyone reading this that our children are too plugged in. Many experts talk about the costs of technology in terms of our children's attention deficit problems, and I agree with this, but the overuse of media causes problems in many areas of children's lives. Among other repercussions, it affects their sleep, it affects their schedule, and it affects the rate at which they learn to behave properly. For instance, if you want to attend a baby shower and bring your child, once she acts out, you can plug her into the iPad you brought along instead of doing the harder work of teaching her to conduct herself well in a new setting. It's much easier to ignore poor behavior and give in than it is to teach. But we must resist the easy way and take the longer view! Another shortcut is food. Perhaps you eat your food on the go, in the car on your way from one engagement to another. Though it is certainly wonderful that such meals are available, the shortcut means that you are losing the opportunity to spend quality time with your children over dinner and to model proper eating habits and table manners. Shortcuts can be as significant as letting your child watch hours of television, but they can also be as basic as picking up a one-year-old when he falls lightly on his bum (you are in a hurry, and you hate for him to cry) instead of waiting for him to pick himself up. Going for the quick fix saves time and aggravation in the short term, but makes life so much harder in the long term. Think of it as an energy equation. Suppose you want your kindergartner to clean up his room at the end of the day. You could expend twenty minutes and ten units of energy coaxing him to do it or you could clean it yourself in half the time and expend half the energy. True. But you will expend that same energy the next day, and the next. If, instead of cleaning his room for him, you take the extra time and energy to help him do it, in time you will be able to step away completely. And what's more, you'll have created a more responsible human being in the process! If you were running your home like a business, you would never clean the room for him. Though this is a very mathematical way to think of a task, it's extraordinarily helpful when you need to summon those ten units of energy you just don't have. 4. We've lost our sense of proportion. The fourth and final problem is that we've lost our common sense about moderation in parenting. We have a tendency to overthink parenting, with so many experts and "new" methods and medications, that basic common sense can be elusive. Parents want a quick fix; they want a prescription for how to solve their child's problems, whether it be poor sleep or trouble focusing. But there is no quick fix; there is no new amazing parenting technique that will change your world. There is, however, good old common sense. Balance is key and is a huge part of my philosophy. I neither encourage a strict British upbringing nor approve of the overly permissive American style. The solution falls in the middle. Nothing done to an extreme is good, whether it's an all-carrot diet or an all-attachment style of parenting. We are taught that everything in moderation is best, so why should parenting be any different? Yet many parents pick the "latest and greatest" parenting theory, then use it to an extreme with their children. To use an obvious example, consider the firestorm over breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is wonderful, and I wholeheartedly feel that breast is usually best. But not always. There are some mums for whom it is torture, there are some babies for whom it just won't work, and there are some mums who want--no, need--the option of supplementing with formula on occasion so that they can sleep for a longer stretch or go out with a friend. In our culture's zeal to promote breastfeeding, we've left moderation completely out of the picture. Many breastfeeding advocates are so fearful that women will see how easy it is to supplement with formula, that they strongly discourage them from ever doing it. Well, guess what? It's not like smoking, where if you have and enjoy a cigarette or two, you have a physical addiction. Let's not be alarmist; let's just arm families with nonbiased information and let them decide what they want to do. Instead of being extreme, let's just use common sense. A similar exaggeration happens in the language we use with our children. A recent parenting trend has been to avoid the word "no" or any negative-tinged language at all costs, lest it hamper creativity or a child's sense of freedom. Please! Of course, children hear you and do respond better to more positively couched language, so there is a degree to which I'm on board with the philosophy. But sometimes you must say what you mean, and it needs to be something a two-year-old can understand. That word is a simple "no." Getting into psychobabble about feelings will not do you or your child any good. These four items reveal my fundamental parenting philosophy. You will see echoes of them all over this book. But they are the big-picture canvas, and it is in the details that the real fun begins. To that end, I introduce my checklist. The Checklist Each chapter in this book is based around a cornerstone of parenting. I've lived and worked with children in England, Germany, and the United States, with children from their first weeks through their teen years, and with children from the most privileged households in Beverly Hills to those from impoverished communities. Using this background--particularly my international perspective--as a basis, I explain the philosophies undergirding each topic. Then I address questions from a checklist that pertains to that topic. Most parents know the basics of what they're supposed to do: feed their kids healthy meals, make sure they get enough sleep, show love, and set boundaries. And yet so many still struggle. Their children are disrespectful, badly behaved, perpetually tired, out of control, or demand more energy than parents have. Parents are trying their best, but they're getting stuck. They're simply standing too close to see where. I have gone into literally hundreds of homes around the world over the years, observed parents with their children, and, by making a few tweaks, have been able to make a significant difference in these families' lives. Parents are shocked how quickly it's possible to improve their children's behavior and the dynamic of their household--as quickly as three days. Bad behavior is a habit that can be broken. A child they may have felt was "difficult" or even beyond hope can come around and show respect, manners, and self-control in a way parents never thought possible. (And I always say it can fall apart just as quickly, but more on that later.) I share all of this not to boast, but rather because I feel so strongly about the information in this book, and know there are countless families who could be happier than they are. The parents I've worked with frequently ask me if I'm sprinkling fairy dust around their children, as if my Britishness means I have Tinker Bell on speed dial. I hate to disappoint them, but no, no fairy dust. (And I won't fly away with my umbrella on the next windy day, either.) Rather, I have my checklist. The checklist brings objectivity back into focus, by asking a series of questions. When I go into a home, I run through this checklist while I observe the family: How well mannered are the children? What are their eating habits? Where and how does everyone sleep? What kind of schedule is in place? How do the parents handle consequences? Are the adults in the household present and available? These may seem like basic questions, but the more you break them down--and I do--the more you can see how easy the basics are to miss. For example, parents know it's important to give their child consequences when the child misbehaves, but they can lose the energy or the will to be consistent in enforcing those consequences. Parents know unconditional love is crucial, so they may wipe their child's tears while they're disciplining, which sends a mixed message. Parents put a well-balanced meal on the table, but their child sees Mum or Dad fill up on potato chips, or the parent offers cereal when the chicken and peas are rejected. One parent, a teacher, was utterly perplexed that she could control her classroom of twenty-five students, but her four daughters were running her ragged. I have a good friend who was a nanny for years--a much stricter nanny than I am, by the way--and yet all of her rules went out the window once she had her own children. This blindness by proximity has affected me, too, at times. One little boy I worked with had me stymied as to why he'd been acting out so much lately. Only when I returned from some time away was I able to see the problem: his mum had been really busy meeting a deadline and hadn't been able to spend the quality time with him she usually did. He and I had spent a lot of time together, of course, but he didn't want my attention--he wanted his mum's. Once I saw the problem, it was fairly easy to address. However, because not everyone can leave their charges for a couple of weeks to get a fresh perspective, my checklists can help illuminate the holes. Parenting is much more like baking a cake than cooking a stew. When you bake a cake, it doesn't matter if you use the highest quality butter when you've forgotten to add the eggs. In the same way, you could read 400 pages about how to handle tantrums and consider yourself a veritable expert yet miss the target completely because in reality, your child isn't getting enough sleep. Or you could read a treatise on nutrition and spend endless effort preparing balanced meals, only for your child to refuse to sit down and eat because you have trouble setting--and sticking to--boundaries. You must see the whole picture together, all the ingredients at once, and the checklist helps you do so. My checklists will help you get the distance you need to see how you're doing the right things the wrong way, and will help you get back on the right track. How to Use the Checklists Use the checklists as a way to imagine me perched on your shoulder watching over you. If your child is having a difficult day, run through the main headings in the table of contents: Sleep? Check. Nutrition? Check. Consistent limits? Check. Quality time? Check. And so on. Chances are excellent that just in looking at this "list," you'll see that one box is missing its check. It's imperative that you be honest in your answers. You can keep them as private as you like. You may run through this list daily or even several times a day. While things such as sleep and nutrition are probably in your mind already, my hope is that facets such as quality time and self-esteem will come to be just as natural for you to consider. If at first glance you can check off every item, then you need to dig deeper. Use the checklists at the beginning of each chapter to help you determine where to focus. For instance, you may get stuck at the "sleep" check mark. You know your child isn't sleeping well, but can't figure out why. You can then go through the entire checklist at the start of the sleep chapter and see where you're being held up. Finally, the book includes blank checklists in the back. Feel free to pull these out and photocopy. I find it useful to physically mark something off--it gives me a great sense of accomplishment, and it can help visually guide me to where I'm getting stuck. I've also highlighted tips throughout each chapter. These are practical actions I've found invaluable in my years as a nanny, and I've also included advice from parents. These tips are meant to remind you that you are a part of a community, and it's wonderful and valuable to listen to what's worked for others. They are offered in the spirit of support, not competition. Though the checklists are simple and meant to be easy to follow, they also represent a deeper philosophy I hope parents will embrace--a reorientation that encourages parents to be in control again, and to thus enjoy their children more. I can't spend three days in every family's home. But with my checklists, you won't need me to. You'll be able to see for yourself where the holes lie, how to fill them, and how to keep them filled. Parenting is both harder and easier than we think. The checklists in this book will take the guilt and some of the angst out of parenting by putting daily struggles and common problems in objective, systematic terms. Parenting is more art than science, it's true, but there is a science to it. And science, in all of its concreteness, is comforting. Sometimes science is just what you need on the days when you are at your wit's end and are outnumbered by your darling children who have somehow turned into little monsters. Take a step back, put on your scientist's hat, pull out the appropriate checklist, and investigate. Excerpted from Keep Calm and Parent On: A Guilt-Free Approach to Raising Children by Asking More from Them and Doing Less by Emma Jenner All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.